NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman may want to brush up on a little league history before he decides to do another radio interview. (CP Images)
If you happen to hold down an extremely high-profile position — say, for instance, Commissioner of the National Hockey League — should you not know what the hell you are talking about when you go on a radio program in the league's largest market?
So one would think.
And yet again, there was Gary Bettman having to wipe a whole lot of egg off his face a couple weeks back after informing listeners on WFAN in New Yaaaa-wk — incorrectly, I might add — that legendary player Irvine "Ace" Bailey and former NHLer Garnet "Ace" Bailey, who was the Director of Scouting for the Los Angeles Kings when he tragically passed away in the 9/11 attacks seven years ago, were actually the same person.
No wonder hosts Mike and Mad Dog seemed surprised. It's like watching someone staple their eyelids to the carpet. You'd be caught off-guard, too.
Listen to the WFAN clip here
If only I could make this stuff up...
Thankfully, the Bailey chatter never made it to Beetle, so Bettman saved at least a little face. Come to think of it, Beetle Bettman — I like.
And one can only hope that when he was screwing things up working for the NBA, Bettman didn't confuse Larry Bird with this guy.
So, in an effort to give the esteemed Commish a little bit of a helping hand, I am going to put on my "Instant P.R. Guy" cap and throw together this checklist for his next radio gig:
-The Oilers aren't what you smoke with your buddy to make it through geometry class.
-Kane never did play on a line with Abel. No, not even Sid.
-Crosby and Nash never teamed with Stills and Young to form an awesome rock band back in the ‘70s.
-There's not a typo in "Canadiens." That is an actual spelling, as least in Francais (which, Gary, is French).
-Mike Richards is NOT the guy that played Kramer.
-Pavelski and Lupul are players, not diseases.
-Alexander Semin is not...oh, never mind. Some things just can't be taught.
-When someone says "Cheechoo!", there's no need to pass them a Kleenex.
-Kostitsyn isn't that hard to spell if you remember to break down the syllables. Think the second one. Trust me. It works.
-Umberger is not the latest menu item at McDonald's.
-Say Wojtek Wolski five times, really fast. Just because I need a chuckle.
-It sounds rude, but Hamrlik is really not a bad word.
-Neither is Bonk, Pronger, Foote or Johnson.
-Gary Roberts is not hooked up with Julia. Same with Sean O'Donnell and Rosie. I know, that one turned my stomach as well.
-Georges Laraque and Bunny Larocque are not brothers. There are a couple of telltale signs, one being the different spelling of their names. See if you can figure out the other.
-Chris Simon doesn't know Garfunkel.
-Sadly, Derien Hatcher is not doing a new dance — the horizontal be-bop — with Teri.
-That famous saying isn't "Colton Orr, number 4, shoots, scores!"
-That Ryder that plays in Montreal is not Winona. Or the guy that owns all those moving trucks.
Gary, big guy, keep these notes handy. We'll call it a radio interview lifeline. And remember, my name is Marty. If you feel the need to thank me, I'm currently trying to help the Stars win the Stanley Cup.
Never mind a thank you note. Send money.
And call me your Ace in the hole.