Should Red Wings’ Zamboni driver Al Sobotka try to rev up the Joe Louis Arena crowd again with his octopus twirl, it will cost him $10,000. (CP Images)
Just because it's Friday and I am looking for any way to screw up the climactic day to your week, let me break it to you that, yes, there is a new provision in the NHL rulebook than bans the twirling of an octopus — or, in its plural forum, octopi — over one's head.
Really, would I jest? This story, uh, has legs to it. It's right there, in black and white blood.
Any slimy act by Red Wings' rink rat Al Sobotka to rev up the crowd in his legendary way will cost Sobotka $10,000 out of his own pocket.
No word what swinging around a grouper or mackerel will set you back, but octopi are a no-no.
Now, we're not suggesting an octopus is actually a fish — I failed Marine Biology 101 — but it hangs out in the water, so I put two and two (and two and two) together.
Oh, and I wanted to save you the hassle of having to pronounce cephalopod.
Can't you just feel your IQ plummeting as you read this? Hey, it's your NHL.
Anyway, back to the point at hand — who the hell does that Sobotka think he is, getting the paying crowd jacked up for a game and giving the home team, dare I say, a subtle advantage? This is the post-lockout NHL. It's all about parity and a level playing field for all, right? Screw your tradition, Detroit.
This coming from an outfit that changes the NHL rulebook as it sees fit in the middle of a playoff series because, well, because they can, damnit.
Wonder how long it took the NHL's head flounder — that being Gary Bettman — to actually figure this was even an issue. And if he went out for a tuna sandwich afterwards.
Someone, anyone, give him a kick in the tentacles. Eight times, for effect.
We're all for whoever waving whatever over their head if it gets the crowd rattlin' the rafters. Poutine and the nudie bar feature in Montreal. Sean Avery in New York. Over in Buffalo, fling around wings and blue cheese. Let Craig MacTavish give Harvey the Hound a few spins in Calgary. Smelling salts in Toronto, to wake them up if nothing else. Twirl ‘em, wave ‘em, but, as Elmer Fudd would say, be very wary.
Gary Bettman and the Charlie Tuna Police are watching.
Fishy, I tell ya. It stinks.