Fire up the defibrillators and keep the paramedics on hand.
The Phoenix Coyotes have upped the pig-out quotient — and likely the number of fans requiring medical attention — with their latest attempt at drawing fans to the appropriately named (given the way the team is playing and how much tickets cost) Jobing.com Arena.
Lucky (?) fans can buy tickets that include unlimited access to the arena's fast-food menu, which includes healthy staples like hotdogs, and nachos.They can guzzle soft drinks like they're going out of style, too. (I'd recommend getting seats near the washrooms if you do, kids.)
This isn't a novel marketing approach. A number of other major league teams, from the Los Angeles Dodgers to the Philadelphia Flyers, offer some sort of variation on the theme.
New? No. Idiotic? Yes.
But this gastronomic bonanza, which should go over big-time with the hefty all-you-can-eat buffet crowd but less so with nutritionists and the arena cleaning crew, isn't available if you just buy single-game tickets.
Oh, no, the Coyotes want to give you more value for your buck while creating a brand new customer base for local physicians and weight-loss clinics. The All-You-Can-Eat package includes tickets in the upper or lower levels for five games.
And all this can be had for virtually the same price as normal tickets. Seats in the lower level cost exactly the same.
The non-gorging fans, who I hope are in the majority, don't get a break at all.
Is this what it's come to for the Coyotes? I can't believe the team is so desperate to attract fans that it would stoop to this level.
Getting the chance to watch Gretzky work, albeit from the bench and not the ice, isn't enough any more? Seeing the world's best hockey players won't draw the fans in? But throwing a bucket load of free hotdogs and nachos at the feet of the paying customer will?
Unfortunately, yes, it probably will put more butts — large, gelatinous ones used to feasting on such delicacies — into the seats.
And that, not the hotdogs, is almost enough to make me puke.