Here is something I'll bet none of you — well, most of you — has ever wondered about a hockey player.
"Gee, I wonder what he looks like naked?"
It seems avant-garde artist Kurt Kauper has, and Bobby Orr probably isn't happy about it.
Your childhood memories of the Hall of Famer might be forever tarnished, too, if you see Kauper's nude rendering of Orr .
If you're old enough to remember going to the store to buy hockey cards for a quarter, you'll know what I am talking about.
Nothing matched the euphoria of ripping open a few packs to see if a coveted player showed up.
Kauper's oeuvre is the kind of thing that will give you nightmares about being seven again, doing the old "Got ‘em, got ‘em, need ‘em" routine with friends.
Hey, I've got a Ken Dryden!
Wow, Guy Lafleur!
How about a Bobby... What the *&^&!#! ?
Ewww!
Now, Kauper's paintings are art, but some things need to remain sacred. That is, iconic images of my boyhood sports heroes smiling, bad hair and all, but clothed.
At least Kauper is enterprising enough to charge the equivalent of a mortgage for his famous paintings.
It just proves that wealthy New York City socialites will buy anything, especially if it's a supposed affront to decency.
Feed them artsy gobbledygook about the Old Masters and how Kauper's paintings "seduce because of the artist's technical skill" and a checkbook practically falls out of their Gucci bag.
Thank the Big Guy above that legalities prevent Kauper from mass-producing these homo-erotic homages to hockey.
Just think if Kauper teamed with the folks at O-Pee-Chee to put out a 2008-09 All-Nude NHL collectors' edition.
Even if Jiri Tlusty already has camera-ready stuff.
Those among you who aren't easily offended can see Kauper's work on display at the chic Deitch Gallery in NYC.